When it comes to my relationship with Tammy I have no regrets. I said this the night of her visitation to several people. As the hours turn now into days and days into weeks, I have challenged that thought. I certainly do not have regrets about our relationship. It was rewarding beyond my ability to describe. It was joyful and full of laughter. It was amazing how we fit and how God shaped us to each other. But that word regret has been on my mind. Until last week. Do I regret anything now? I do.
In adjusting to our new normal, I have been cleaning, doing laundry, cooking (please understand what I mean by that word), paying bills, managing accounts, schedules, on top of our own unique ways of grieving. I do not know how Tammy did all that she did. I knew she made the lives of her husband and children easy and wonderful. I know that her gifted servants heart was enclined by God's design to serve us but I do not even know she could track all that she did. At first as this thought crept over me, I began to feel real regret. Did I tell her enough, did I show her how much I appreciated her? Cause I really did, not just now in my new and lonesome awareness of her. Then it happened. The Accuser wispered. "No, Ed you did not appreciate her enough!" A deep sadness crawled on me. I wept regret all over myself.
Yesterday I opened her drawer. You know, the draw a woman has where very personal things are kept. Beneath some clothes, resting quietly was a stack of letters, cards and notes. There are letters from our kids to their mom. There was a note of encouragement from a dear friend. On top of all of them was a note from me. I do not remember writing it. It has no date. It was a note that expressed my deep appreciation for everything she does to make my life worth living. I told her how I could not do ministry or function without her. I told her how I cherish her. An awareness came over me. A joy filled me. Satan, I said, I just remembered something. You are a liar! I just want to remind you that your going to Hell forever and ever. Get out! You have no right or authority over me because I'm under the blood of Jesus.
We all need to stop listening to him.